Sometimes

If it were said that the sky is orange, we would not dare to believe it. If it were said that our new President cannot speak fluent English, who would not be skeptical? We know that two plus two does not equal five and that the world is not flat and global warming is real. We know that mammals do not lay eggs, that tattoos are permanent, and that money does not grow on trees. We seem to know so many things. Now what if I were to say that my friends always leave me. That they do not really care about me. I am only a burden. What if I said I was hurt by their actions and words, who would believe me?

From the surface, this statement seems perfectly logical, perfectly possible. However, examine it under a microscope and see the fine details of my life. Analyze them. Try and find the proof for this statement, I dare you. No evidence can be found because this statement is not true. My friends are loyal, honest, caring, compassionate, trustworthy, name any positive characteristic and they have it. My friends care about me just as much as I care about them and they have my back as I have theirs.

But sometimes I get inside my own head and I believe things that are not true. Sometimes I believe that my friends find me annoying, that I am a burden, and that I am not welcome. Sometimes I find myself waiting for the moment when they will get up and walk away from me. Sometimes I am ashamed of who I am for no reason at all and sometimes I find it hard to be vulnerable. Anymore it feels like the word “sometimes” is my own self-destruction.

Every day I trust that my friends are telling me the truth and every day I know they do. But from time to time, I get this feeling that they do not really like me, not from them or their actions, but rather from the little voice inside my head thinking far too much about my past. That little voice reminds me of how I behaved poorly towards my peers in elementary school and how I never fit in or that I never really had great friends. It reminds me that I have said rude, insulting things and uttered seemingly harmless phrases to which the receiver took offense. It reminds me of how sassy I have been, how negative I can be, the attitude I have taken up. It reminds me of all my mistakes, my imperfections, and my flaws. Shame falls over me. That little voice, that spiteful whisper, tells me that I am not good enough. I am not good enough for my friends who have my back because surely they have never hurt a fly. I am not good enough for them because they are so pure and innocent and gentle. They must hate me and how could they not hate a person like me? Suddenly I am lost within this deadly comparison, letting my past consume my present, and I lose faith in who I know I am.

Sometimes when I hear the words, “I love you,” I doubt them. And sometimes when I am told I am clingy or too attached I feel wounded straight to the core, like a fatal blow. Even the smallest dose of an honest truth about myself makes that little voice whir to life in my brain. It makes me doubt some of the greatest things I have. It even makes me doubt love. No, it is not that I cannot trust in my friends to tell me the truth. Really, it is that I cannot trust my own head. That little voice, my voice, had betrayed me at the times of greatest need. The times when I was already down and weak and in need of strength. It kicked me again, weighed heavier on me, held me beneath the surface of the water, and took me to dark places where I could not escape. Now, sometimes I have to trust that my friends - my family - will be here to love me when I simply cannot love myself.

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. It is what bonds us to one another through deep, long lasting connections. It is built off by the foundations of integrity and guided by the strong moral principles of ethics. One cannot work without the other. In order to have trust, the entrusted must be honest and full of integrity or else they are not reliable to fall back on. One could count on them to be selfish and flee in a time of need. And one who is honest and has integrity is compelled to do so by their moral compass that leads them through life with a level head on their shoulders. This discretion helps us to see clearly and guide one another through difficult times. Together, with these two traits, trust is a given. A strong moral character provides the foundation for a solid, structural, successful friendship, relationship, and life in every situation.

Christopher Pike stated in his novel, Remember Me, that, “Relationships are mysterious. We doubt the positive qualities in others, seldom the negative. You will say to your partner: do you really love me? Are you sure you love me? You will ask this a dozen times and drive the person nuts. But you never ask: are you really mad at me? Are you sure you’re angry? When someone is angry, you don’t doubt it for a moment. Yet the reverse should be true. We should doubt the negative in life, and have faith in the positive.”

After all, do we dare doubt that ground in which we stand is solid? That the air we breathe is gaseous and that Earth’s oceans are liquid? Would we question the stars and the sky, and the moon? No one wonders whether a rock will grow legs and walk away. And who would question the existence of all of mankind? Yet, we remain in denial. We fail to acknowledge that as real and wholly tangible as these things all are, so are our relationships. We seem to know so much. We seem to acknowledge very little.

What if I were to say that my friends always leave me. That they don’t really care about me. I am only a burden. What if I said I was hurt by their actions and words, who would believe me? Only those who lack trust in one another will not question the other side of the story. They will not wonder, not even inquire it once, as to whether or not my friends really meant the negative. However, examine it under a microscope and see the fine details of my life. Analyze them. Try and find the proof for this statement, I dare you and I will ask it again. Who would believe me? No one. Not even myself.